Change is hard. I dread it when I see it coming and when it sneaks up on me I panic and try to fight it. Either way, in the end it usually ends up with me crying either happy or sad tears (often both). Yesterday was a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be for a lot of reasons.
When Danika was a year old, I put together this video:
I remember making it and watching it over and over and thinking how cute she was and how much I loved her and wanted to just snuggle her all the time.
This morning I was taking Danika to work with me at the preschool she also attends. We were headed to her preschool graduation. I was looking in the rear view mirror at her sitting in the back with her pretty dress on and new earrings on . . . and what comes on the radio? Hey There Delilah. I immediately thought of this video and started to tear up. I couldn't turn it off but I didn't want to listen to it . . . I wanted to run from the change that I was driving towards.
It went well. Danika did awesome. Her preschool friends were awesome. Her teachers glowed with pride and I didn't cry . . . until right after this picture was taken:
Right after that picture was taken she came over to me and hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and told me that she loved me and I cried, again.
It took me a while to calm down and really stop sobbing. I walked into the hall where we were having cookies and punch and tears were still streaming down my face. I just couldn't stop them!
I can usually keep it together but I didn't today. A few of my coworkers were in there getting things ready and I'm pretty sure I made them cry, too. I did have one of them say, "You just wait, Janene. Wait until you drop her off at college!" That didn't really help much. I did eventually stop in time for me to get through the two preschool programs I was in charge of . . . went through the rest of my day okay. Then I talked to my mom in the evening about how my day went and started crying again.
I plan on enjoying my summer as much as I can because I know when the time comes to put 2 of my kiddos on the bus next year I'm not going to do as well as I did when it was only Nate.
I guess yesterday was just one of those days when it hits me how much they've grown . . . and how much I have no control over this change and fighting it isn't going to do any good. I better just hold on for the ride and try to embrace all of the beginnings and endings.